Twilight is the Best Book Ever
by xxaznqt
Summary: A satirical article written for my English class. Not to be taken seriously, but I've taken a liking to it. Just a fun read. WARNING: If you're a Twihard, you probably wouldn't want to read this. Flames will be used to roast mah marshmallows.


The Greatest Book Ever Written: Twilight

I don't know about you, but one of the greatest books I've ever read was Twilight, a teen vampire romance written by one of the most illustrious writers of our age: Stephenie Meyer. Not only does Ms. Meyer know her adjectives, she uses them to great length in order to exemplify the physical features of Edward Cullen, the cold, sparkling, granite-skinned vampire with topaz eyes, whom the protagonist, Bella Swan, falls unconditionally and irrevocably in love with. The series has captured the hearts of millions, girls spanning from ages 4 to 44. Twilight and the actions of its heroine Bella Swan has taught young girls that it's okay to fall blindly in love with a mythical creature. It's okay to throw away your safety and the safety of your family in order to pursue the love of your life, the person you have only known for about a week. It's okay to be selfish and sacrifice the safety of your friends, just as long as you're with your boyfriend. It's okay to submit to a controlling boyfriend, because in the end, it's for the best. He knows best. Don't try to think for yourself. It's okay. Life revolves around love, and one day, we'll all find our Edward Cullen.

Our future partner in life must be the epitome of perfect, because that's what Bella Swan has. Not only must his perfection be skin deep, it must fill every core of his body. He must sweat perfection - wait, vampires don't sweat. Sweat is dirty and imperfect; therefore, vampires mustn't sweat. Everything from his "liquid topaz eyes" to his sparkling skin and his crooked smile must shout out "PERFECTION!" A loving, caring boyfriend will constantly sneak up into your room to watch you sleep because he cares about you. He'll defy society to be with you... but you shouldn't get him upset. Oh, no, no! You should never make him upset because then, he'll be forced to lecture you like the child you insist to be. When he behaves rashly and leaves on an impromptu trip to Italy, chase after him and accept him with open arms. He will never do that again, he promises. And in a perfect world, promises are kept. Good thing Bella Swan and Edward Cullen live in a perfect world. Abstinence is now a fad, but after marriage, have unprotected sex! Have a child you're not ready for! Because in the end, everything will end up perfectly. The child will have the best of both worlds, void of the weaknesses of humans, but also void of the secrecy a full vampire must commit to. A life of lies! Now that's the way to live! Don't tell your parents who you're really married to, _what_ you're married to rather. Actually, don't even tell your parents what you are! Let them believe that you are still the same person you were yesterday (before the biting occured, of course). Because in the end, as they grow older and wither away and die, you'll still be youthful and have supersenses. Soon, you'll just watch everyone you grew up with die, but once again, it doesn't matter because you have the perfect husband, the perfect child, the perfect in-laws, and last but not least, the perfect life.

If the life of a vampire doesn't excite you enough, well, consider becoming an author. That's what Stephenie Meyer did, and look at her now! She's rolling around in money. Not sure where to begin? Don't worry, Stephenie Meyer will show all of us how to write incredible stories. Here are some tips that Stephenie Meyer herself uses! Be repetitive. Don't write with a purpose because stories with no plots are in. Characters must be stereotypical and have no defining traits whatsoever, and they all must be perfect. Feel free to be inconsistent and add a lot of kissing scenes because that's what readers are really there to read anyway. We wish you luck on your new writing career, and hope you become an instantaneous hit!


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